Rocko's Chalkboard Bungle
by RoseGAL
Summary: Parody of Animaniacs episode. The studio hires a new teacher named Mr. Bighead to teach Rocko, Heffer and Filburt. Despite his best efforts, he meets only with frustration and is unable to teach them anything.


**Warning: This fiction is rated PG for mild bad attitude and one scary part.**

**You have been warned.**

* * *

Rocko's Chalkboard Bungle

One day in O-Town, Ed is driving in his car. He drives up to the Nickelodeon water tower, where Mr. Dupette is standing next to it.

Ed: I'm here to see the chairman of the board. I'm Ed Bighead, the new studio teacher.

Mr. Dupette: Ah, you must be new 'cause I ain't never seen you before.

Ed: Ain't never? That's a double negative. Grammar, grammar, grammar.

Ed pulls out a red marker from his shirt.

Ed: I'm going to have to give you an F!

Ed writes an F on Mr. Dupette's forehead. Then he drives off. Mr. Dupette is saddened at the F on his forehead.

Mr. Dupette: Boy, my folks are gonna kill me.

* * *

In Nickelodeon's Chairman room, Ed is sitting on a chair, facing Mr. Smitty.

Mr. Smitty: Mr. Edward Bighead. I've hired you because you're a fine teacher. But mostly because you're a strict discipliner.

Ed: How kind.

In the background, Rocko, Heffer and Filburt are driving planes on the water tower.

Mr. Smitty: However, the assignment I'm giving you will not be…You see, the guys are not normal children.

Mr. Smitty sees the fun the guys are having and the closes the curtains. He puts a piece of gum in his mouth and chews it.

Mr. Smitty: Now, I'd expect that they'll be-

Ed (cutting him off): I will not tolerate gum-chewing. Spit it out. Come, come, come. Give me the gum!

Ed slaps Mr. Smitty's back and he spits out the gum. He pulls a red marker out of his shirt (again).

Ed: Gum-chewing is for cows! F!

Ed writes an F on Mr. Smitty's forehead. This made Mr. Smitty angry.

Mr. Smitty: Mr. Bighead! I don't think you-!

Ed (cutting him off again): I don't slouch! Sit up straight!

Ed lifts up Mr. Smitty and drops him back onto his seat.

Ed: Now, you were saying? And speak up. No mumbling!

Mr. Smitty: Mr. Bighead! Do you mind? I am not in class! I hired you! Now will you please be quiet?

Ed glares at the screen.

Mr. Smitty: It will be your job get those insane guys under control. But they can be difficult.

Ed: So can I. There hasn't been a child yet that Mr. Bighead hasn't been able to control. Except Joe Murray, but that's genetic.

Ed closes up on Mr. Smitty.

Ed: Now tell me. When do I get to meet the little ones?

Mr. Smitty (nervously): I'll have Mr. Dupette to bring them by.

Ed: Don't keep me waiting.

* * *

At school, Ed is waiting in a quiet classroom for Mr. Dupette. There is a knock at the door.

Ed: Come in.

Mr. Dupette, wearing an exterminator suit, walks in, holding a box saying "DANGER! Volatile Contents". He puts the box onto Ed's desk.

Ed: School supplies?

Mr. Dupette: Uh, no, Mr. Bighead. This is your students.

Mr. Dupette pulls a hook from his pocket.

Mr. Dupette: Don't open it 'till I leave.

Mr. Dupette gives Ed the hook.

Mr. Dupette: Here.

Mr. Dupette runs out of the classroom in a flash. Like Mr. Dupette said, Ed opens the box. Rocko, Heffer and Filburt pop out of the box one by one.

Rocko: **School!**

Heffer: **School!**

Filburt: **School!**

All: **Schoo-oo-oo-oo-ool!**

Rocko, Heffer and Filburt jump out of the box.

All: **Our first day of school**

**We're eager little learners**

Heffer fills Rocko and Filburt with a jug of facts.

All: **So fill our brains with lots of facts**

**Our first day of school!**

The guys go to some bookshelves one by one and give Ed lots of books.

Rocko: **Teach!**

Heffer: **Teach!**

Filburt: **Teach!**

All: **We're ready for our lessons!**

**So teach us Math, Geometry,**

**Don't forget Geography!**

**English Lit. and Chemistry**

They get out an ABC book and throw it on top of the books Ed is holding.

**And please throw in the ABCs!**

The guys jump onto the tower of books.

**Oh, teacher, teach us nooooow!**

Ed loses grip of the books and they all fall on him.

Ed: This is a classroom, not a music hall! Now find your seats!

Rocko, Heffer and Filburt are standing on their hands.

Rocko: Got my seat.

Filburt: Got mine.

Heffer: Here's mine.

Rocko: Bet you don't have trouble finding yours.

Ed: Go to your desks!

The guys run to their desks. Rocko is in the left seat, Heffer is in the middle and Filburt is in the right.

Ed: We will begin class by reciting the pledge of allegiance. Please repeat after me.

Rocko, Heffer and Filburt: Please repeat after me.

Ed: (shakes his head) No, no, no. Wait until I start, _then_ repeat after me.

Rocko, Heffer and Filburt: (do the same) No, no, no. Wait until I start, _then_ repeat after me.

Ed (pointing his finger): Stop that! I'm warning you!

Rocko, Heffer and Filburt (doing the same): Stop that! I'm warning you!

Ed (jumping up and down): Stop it, stop it, stop it!

Rocko, Heffer and Filburt (doing the same): Stop it, stop it, stop it!

Ed: If you don't stop it right now, I shall scream!

Rocko, Heffer and Filburt: If you don't stop it right now, I shall scream!

Ed (really ticked off): All right! That's it!

Rocko, Heffer and Filburt: All right! That's it!

Ed: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Ed runs out of the classroom, screaming.

Rocko, Heffer and Filburt: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

The guys do the same. Then, they come back in and sit at their desks.

Guys: With liberty and justice for all.

They run back out again.

* * *

Later, Ed has written the classroom rules on the board. They are:

_No talking, no moving, no guitar playing, no laughing, no squirming, no gum-chewing, no drawing, no smiling, no singing, no sky diving, no guts, no glory, no yawning, no ducks, no swimming, no shirt, no shoes, no service, no blah, blah, blah, no rock and roll, no vermicelli, no TV watching, no dogs allowed, no camping, no use, no salamanders, no running, no yelling, no raucousness, no stopping, no parking, no snorkelling, no fishing, no smoking, no rain dancing, no square dancing, no service, **NO, NO, NO ANYTHING!**_

Ed: Let me warn you that I will tolerate no foolishness. Are we clear?

Rocko: No, we're opaque.

Rocko snaps his fingers, causing him, Heffer and Filburt to be almost invisible.

Rocko: Now we're clear.

Ed: Oh. Let us begin.

Rocko puts his hand up.

Rocko: Oh, oh. Don't you wanna see our homework?

Ed: How can you have homework? This is the first day of school.

Heffer: Extra credit.

An angel's halo appears over Heffer's head.

Ed: Let me see it.

Rocko: You can't. My dog ate it.

Ed: Don't lie.

Heffer: We're not lying. See?

Filburt is on the floor, acting like a dog and ripping up Rocko's "homework". Ed pulls tries to pull the paper from him.

Ed: Bad dog! Give me that! Give! Give it now!

Filburt finally lets go. Ed bangs into the board, causing some ABC blocks to fall on him. He emerges from the blocks.

Ed: I'm warning you! Don't make me use corporal punishment!

Rocko: You mean him?

A fierce soldier glares at Ed. Ed chuckles nervously.

Ed: Let us begin with our lessons. We'll start with Math. Rocko, can you count to 100?

Rocko: 1, 2, skip a few, 99, 100!

Ed: No. Give me all the numbers.

Rocko: Hey, it's only a 6-minute cartoon.

Ed: Let's move on. Filburt, can you multiply?

Filburt multiplies himself like an amoeba.

All Filburts: How's this?

Ed: Not that sort of multi-!

Ed calms down.

Ed: Let's leave Math, shall we? We'll move on to Science. Heffer, what can you tell me about the great scientists of the 18th century?

Heffer: They're all dead.

Ed: No, no, no!

Heffer: All right, they're all living.

Ed: No, no, no!

Rocko: Well, now we're getting into philosophy.

Ed: We're not getting into phi-!

Ed pulls a handkerchief from his shirt and wipes his head with it.

Ed: We'll move onto Grammar. Filburt, what is the meaning of the word procrastination?

Filburt: I'll tell you tomorrow.

Ed: You children are making this very difficult!

Rocko: Well, learning isn't easy.

Ed: Let's move on to Sentence Structure. First, verbs. Rocko, can you conjugate?

Rocko: Who, me? I'm not married yet.

Ed: No, no, no. It's easy. I'll show you.

Rocko: (to viewers) Goodnight, everybody!

Ed: You don't understand. Let me go to the board and show you.

Rocko: (to viewers) Don't look.

Ed writes a sentence on the board.

Ed: The dog ran in the rain.

While Ed isn't looking, Rocko, Heffer and Filburt play badminton.

Ed: Dog is the subject and ran is the verb. Now the verb-

Ed witnesses something from behind and turns around. The guys are at their desks. Ed turns to the front. After he does, Rocko, Heffer and Filburt get out of their desks and start leaping in the air with skipping ropes.

Ed: The verb could be conjugated so that the dog-

Ed turns around again to see the guys at their desks.

Ed: I know what you're doing. I have eyes in the back of my head.

Rocko: Really? So do we!

The guys turn their heads to reveal to two eyes on the back of them. Filburt mistakenly reveals nine. Ed doesn't know what to say but leaves that subject.

Ed: It's time for a pop quiz.

Heffer puts a blindfold over Rocko's eyes and pulls out two types of cola. One is Spritsy Cola and the other is Frizla.

Ed: What are you doing?

Heffer: _Pop_ quiz.

Rocko samples the Spritsy Cola, then the Frizla.

Rocko: I like the first one.

Filburt is playing a piano while Rocko and Heffer are in spotlights, dancing.

Filburt: **He likes Spritsy Cola, mama.**

Rocko and Heffer: **Yeah, yeah, yeah!**

Ed jumps onto the piano, really annoyed.

Ed: Stop that! Stop that! Sit at your desks this instant!

The guys obey his order. Ed pulls a red marker from his shirt (yet again).

Rocko: Ooh, what else have you got in there?

Ed: Why you little… F!

Ed writes an F on Rocko's forehead. This made Rocko disappointed.

Heffer: Hey! You can't do that to him!

Ed: F!

Ed writes an F on Heffer's forehead. This made Heffer start crying. It also made Filburt laugh his head off.

Ed: F!

Ed writes an F on Filburt's forehead. It made Filburt really, really mad.

Rocko: Oh, now you've gone and hurt his feelings.

Heffer: I'd apologise if I were you.

Ed: I will not, you horrid naughty children!

An enraged Filburt builds up his anger so much that he explodes. Ed watches with fear.

* * *

Later, Mr. Dupette drives up to the school and comes into the classroom, where Ed is writing something on the board. The box, which was seen earlier, is on the desk.

Mr. Dupette: Uh, are you done with the…wallaby, cow, and turtle?

Ed: Yes. Take them away.

Mr. Dupette picks up the box carries it out of the classroom. Then, Ed is ripped off, revealing Rocko, Heffer and Filburt in disguise.

Rocko: Recess!

The guys run off.

* * *

Meanwhile, a crane is lifting the box into the water tower with Ed in it.

Ed: GET ME OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW! I'LL GIVE YOU AN F! DO YOU HEAR ME? F, F, F, F, F!

**THE END**


End file.
